A while back, ATP called for the Auto Payyans School of Fine Etiquette – a world class institution whose global mission is to educate the middle-class on how to behave with Chennai auto drivers. And since any self respecting school needs a syllabus, I designed one here.
Course subject #1 is Autology – an introduction to the basic philosophy and guiding principles of the world of Chennai Autos. As I stated in an earlier post, there are 4 spiritual branches of the Auto world.
The most popular of the vedas, the followers of this school of thought are experts in the advanced non-linear physics of Soodu (Hot) Meterology. Savvy customers who prefer fixed prices instead of relying on meters whose velocities come close to violating fundamental laws of physics, are handled by the followers of this Veda using a method best highlighted by an example.
Rigged Veda disciple: (conducts detailed visual inspection of customer and thinks – “Hmm. ID card. Jaalra cellphone. Must be software”). 120 Rs saar.
Customer: Kya. 120? Rombey Jaasthi. (too much)
Rigged Veda disciple: (Otha Indi-gindi pesaraan) Saar. traffic jyaada. Tumko draap kartha return nahi miltha. Tiruvanmiyur la kahaan?
Customer: Valmiki Nagar
Rigged Veda disciple: Udhar one way honaa saar. 120 Rs minimum.
Customer: Bahut jyaada bol rahe ho…Auto!! Tiruvanmiyur (calling another auto. Cardinal sin)
Rigged Veda disciple: (smoothly shifting to Tamil). Indi payyan. 120 sollikiren. Nalla etthi sollu (He is a north Indian. quote higher than 120)
Another RVD: Saar. Valmiki nagar no return available saar. 150 Rs.
Customer: Kyaa? Damn.
Original RVD: Main tumko bola naa. 120 rs kam hotha. Baito….
The end. Indi payyan is fleeced 150 ultimately because he failed to specify the exact avenue in Valmiki nagar ahead of time.
Followers of this school tend to be, on an average, at least 50 years old. In addition, they will need to have at least 3 kids (One son and two daughters) to gain membership into this school. The reasons. “Saar . I have 2 sons saar. School fees and college fees saar. Daughter marriage also coming saar. Don’t think of 20-30 rs extra saar. It is nothing for you. For me, it is everything.”
Samma Veda (as in “Samma Haat Machi”)
The youthful brigade that makes up this offshoot of the Rigged school is, on an average, 16 years old. They do, however, tend to possess driving licenses that prove them to be 32 years old (with a beard as well). This ultra-orthodox, rigid school, while following most of the Rigged Veda edicts, have a few more strict rules that the disciples need to adhere to.
- The driver must place his posterior only on the absolute edge of the seat. Rest of the space on the seat can optionally be occupied by friends and colleagues.
- Once a day, the driver will need to stop the auto and whip out his Reliance mobile phone and talk to a 98.1 Radio Mirchi host and request for Thalaivar’s hit song from Baasha.
- The “No space left behind” law which forces every inch of the auto interior to be covered by Ajith, Vijay and Superstar posters.
Other Venaam Veda
The unwanted outcasts of the Chennai Auto world. These are non-Tamil outsiders who have the gall to charge reasonable rates. Followers of this school tend to stay away from Auto stands where followers of the other vedas hang around.