Kreishh Ashoahk

If Mr Jumaani had his way, the title could have been my name. As Navin puts it brilliantly, the man has won the Bharatt Rratnaa.

Since anybody who has won any award whose name contains double Rs is sure to be the profoundest of souls, I owe the citizens of Chennai, especially the ones who eat Samosas at Abbirramie Sweets and shop at Singapore Shopee and are named Ramh or Kaarthickh, an interview with the man who gave vowels and consonants a new lease of life, by boldly sending them to places they have never been before, to explore strange new spellings…..( I am sorry Mr Shatner..or should that be Sshaattnair?)

Since I don’t really have the journalistic credibility to do a real interview, I will, instead, do the next best thing- a fake interview.

The man who should be named Kreishh Ashoahk: So Mr Jumaani, how much are these vowels and consonants paying you to do what you do?

Mr Jumaani: (no comment)

KA: So what’s with this whole number game?

J: The number game now has a new meaning, to be Number 1 you have to now get the numbers in your Name right. (quote from his website)

KA: Really? How does bad spelling affect my fate?

J: The sum total of the name of a person should be in tandem with the date of birth he or she carries. The sum total denotes whether that number is favourable or not for the person. Since date of birth cannot be changed, adding or deleting of alphabets is the only way to achieve harmony among these 2 sets of numbers. Once changed, new spelling could invoke better vibrations.

KA: Vibrations? You mean like what happens if I try to pronounce Rratnaa

J: No. Most profound things in this world vibrate. Like Luciano Pavarotti’s voice. Like Kumar Sanu’s ethereal tremolo. If only Sanu Saheb had listened to me and added an extra “u” to the end of this surname, he might still be in business today.

KA: I see. Mr Jumaani…can I call you Jumaaniji? I have always wanted to ask this to a big shot numerologist. How come numerology does not work for native language scripts? I have never seen you suggest spellings in Hindi or Tamil. Why? Does this mean that numerology started working only after the British came to India? Would it have worked if Aurangzeb had denied permission to the East India Company to trade out of Surat and history had taken a different course?

J: English is the language all of us use professionally. That’s why.

KA: You didn’t answer my question, but we move on. How do you figure out letter values for those funny French accents and German umlauts

J: You see. Numerology comes from ancient Vedic texts and therefore does not apply to foreign names.

KA: Ok. But Indian names written in a foreign (read English) script are fine?

J: Yes.

KA: How long does it take you to make recommendations?

J: Not more than a few minutes.

KA: Even for Y.S.S.L.V.M.V.K. Rao?

J: We usually don’t work with them. Their names’ numerological sum tends to infinity and we have computing problems with large numbers.

KA: I notice that your 2007 predictions link on the home page says “Coming soon”. Aren’t we like in the middle of 2007?

J: That is a mistake. Click on the link

KA: Ah. I see that you predicted a block buster year for Yash Chopra. Didn’t Jhoom Barabar Jhoom bomb at the box office?

J: (mobile phone rings) Just a sec, I have got to take that. Boliye Ekta ji….haan…haan…Kyuun Ki Huum Sabb Ullooo haein theek rahega. Mr Kreishh, I am afraid we will have to continue this later.

KA: Ok thank you. Jumaaniji.

16 Comments

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  1. I am getting number and number at your erudition.
    Dayy by dayy. Numba romba happy.
    BTW, how does the number Mad-69 sound for your car plate? Lucky you will be to snatch it!
    😉

  2. Heheheh too good boss. Must send this link to my couusinne who has a similarly atrociously spelt name.

    My favourite is Rrrase orthopaedic nursing home in Pallavaram which always reminded me of the sound a saw makes when it cuts right through your arm.

  3. Priya,
    I sure hope not. I would rather like to say
    “excuse me, what is that thing in your right hand? Is that a hammer. And hey, those longish iron thingies in your left hand? Are those nails? And what is that nail doing 2 inches from your temporal lobe?..”
    Etc.

  4. Hey, that was Hell-larious! Only, Even If Jhoom Barabar….flopped, Chak De made the Chopras laugh their way to the bank!

    I was a sceptic too about Numerology, so I don take offence, hardly have time for believers…
    LOVE AND REGARDS TO ALL
    SANJAY B JUMAANI

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