Happy New Year

I don’t make new year resolutions. And I tend to be at a loss when people slip and lose balance over the steep precipice of making small talk by clutching at the dangerously tenuous branch of asking people what resolutions they made for new year. So I usually keep my garden pruning scissors handy to cut that strained branch and provide fodder for the crocodiles below.

The shady technology humour escape route.

So, any resolution for the new year?

12 megapixels.

Uh?

600 dpi

Eh?

The wikipedia research based confusion route.

Ennada? What new year resolutions?

Did you know that a resolution is a rule of inference leading to a refutation theorem-proving technique for sentences in propositional logic and first-order logic

Ennadhu?

And therefore a new year resolution is a rule of inference leading to a refutation of common sense in daaru-drinking logic leading to first-order tragedies like this

(curse in Tamizh that can best be translated as “Since I asked you, physical violence using footwear must be exercised on me with immediate effect”)

The Question-the-Question strategy.

Hellovanakkamhowareyouhappynewyear? (followed by vigorous shaking of hands)

What is so special about January 1?

Why, it’s the beginning of a new year.

Since when?

Well. Since a long time.

No.

Dei. Why so much rowsu? Just take the wishes and say thank you no?

No. I celebrate Tamizh new year in April. So I will accept wishes only then.

And so on.

Another interesting phenomenon is the use of technology to wish people a happy year ahead. So if you think that it’s an unnecessary use of one’s time to wake up at 6 am to visit close family and friends’ homes and wish everyone, you could call them on the phone. But then, that’s wear and tear for your vocal chords and if old people are involved, more than just a one-rupee local call. And hell, it could be STD or ISD too. So best to send an SMS message. It’s cheap and also provides a nutritious diet of vowels for the sender. But hey, it’s cheap but not free. So why not save that cost and send an email instead? One could even send colourful, midi-music playing e-greeting cards and one doesn’t have to pay a penny for it. But then, one has to waste time typing all the addresses to which the emails need to be sent, and that could cause carpal tunnel, so why not just post a message on Orkut or Facebook, where selecting friends is easier. But it still involves typing and therefore I would personally recommend Twitter, which restricts messages to 140 characters or less, and one doesn’t even need to choose friends to send to. People who are part of your network will receive the message automatically.

But in my personal opinion, we can do even better. Typing 140 characters is also tiresome. So one should keep the following sticky notes handy on the desktop. A few samples,

Wish you and your family a very happy, colourful, fun-filled and prosperous next 31,556,926 seconds

Wish you and your family a wholesome, lip-smacking, cashewnut-loaded, ghee-dripping Pongal with generous servings of coconut chutney

Wish you and your family lots of sundal and not much gastric trouble.

And so on.

Then one can simply copy(Ctrl-C) and paste(Ctrl-V) into Twitter for appropriate occasions. But wait, why must I expend a few neurons remembering these occasions or wasting precious time copying and pasting. So, one can use Remember the Milk, a free online to-do-manager service that can be setup to automatically send pre-configured Twitter messages (shown in the sticky notes above) on predetermined days. One stone, many mangoes. No?

21 Comments

Leave a Comment

  1. why complicate “For having asked you, i must be beaten with a chappal” so much…(for a moment i wondered if it was a tamil curse i didn’t know and started feeling insecure!)..

  2. You should also question the phrase “New Year Resolution”. Is New Year a dispute, why should we resolve the New Year?

  3. There is another variant to the story which started in France when on April 1, 1582 Charles IX introduced the Gregorian Calendar and moved New Year’s Day to January 1st. However, news of this was spread slowly (no internet in those days!) and many of the people did not receive the news for several years. Therefore, some people celebrated New Years on April 1st and were called ‘fools’ by the more educated population who knew of the calendar change.

  4. Why go to all this trouble? Just ask whomever you meet, “I sent you that e-greeting for New Year’s, never heard back from you. How come you don’t reply to my emails these days?”

    For the people who ask you for your New Year’s resolutions you could even add, “My resolutions were in that e-greeting.”

    Offense is the best defense and all that. ๐Ÿ˜€

  5. Part of our office’s legal counsel’s end of year email.

    “Wishing you a happy, safe and prosperous non-discriminatory end of year and (without limitation) Gregorian 2008.”

    Meyyaalum-pa!

    Political correctness gone mad!

  6. I simply sent my friends the URL to this post so they could start the newyear ROTFL.
    One hit, several mangas – my version.
    idu eppadi irukku?

  7. Unhappy the land that has no Heroes.
    No.Unhappy the land that is in need of Heroes.

    Fine tuning for the Feb 3rd dawn to dusk ‘Ornithogolfing’ adventure the HSBC Chennai Birdrace only possible when you come on board asap.

    57 yr old Internet Loafer

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