In Hyderabad, there is a legendary restaurant called Paradise and they serve what is arguably one of the best Biriyanis in this galactic sector. Now what does that have to do with the Indian Premier League T20 tournament? Actually, nothing. Also, in San Antonio, Texas, there is a Chinese restaurant named Golden Wok where you can choose vegetables of your choice from a bar and the chef will, in one quick burst of flame, burn your pickings into a homogeneous, gelatinous goo and with a beaming grin say “Have a nie day“, and serve it to you with a bowl of rice that does not quite smell of Madurai Malli. What does this have to do with T20 cricket? Actually, nothing either. But you see, the delicate taste of a Biriyani comes from slow cooking and a careful selection of spices, unlike Wok-fried Vegetable Goo from San Antonio, which tastes exactly like Wok-Fried Vegetable Goo from Denver, because as the saying goes, “Contempt (for patient cooking) breeds Familiarity (of taste)”. It is very hard to achieve subtlety of taste in Americanized Chinese fast food. And what does that have to do with T20?

Nothing, actually.

You see, I find it hard to write authoritative, hard-hitting, thought-provoking essays on the fine game of Cricket (like this) because of the minor matter of qualifications. The only reason I made it to cricket teams in the past was to make up numbers (Dei, we are 10 and we need a fieldsman at deep fine leg), and I am a slow-medium pace batsman and a right-handed bowler who could, for most part, manage to deliver the red cherry 22 yards without it needing to bounce twice.

So instead, I will write about the BUSINESS of cricket. Many years ago, it used to be the business of CRICKET, and Kerry Packer made it the BUSINESS of CRICKET, but with the IPL, cricket has simply lost its uppercase. Not that I don’t enjoy T20. I do like Wok-fried vegetable goo once in a while.

Back to the subject at hand, there are 3 stages in sports-capitalism

1. Exponentia, where a sudden surge in popularity of a particular sport makes hay for a lot of people
2. After a while, the big boys take over and pull no stops to squeeze money out of everywhere, such as from unearthly ticket prices, pay-per-view TV channels, advertising and merchandizing. Robber Baronia.
3. Once, all the cash cows have been milked, there is no choice but to sedate the cow and milk harder. We then have IPL T20. Adbominalia


The Laws of Adbominalia

  • Ads start once the 6th ball of an over (even if it is a no-ball) has been delivered.
  • Ads finish only when the bowler has started his run up for the first ball of the subsequent over
  • Upwards of 50% of the screen is frequently taken over by animated ads. With sound. Louder than the commentators’ voices
  • There are animated, hyponosis-inducing ads on the boundary signboards.
  • Cricketers will soon resemble Formula One drivers in terms of being high-density real-estate for brand names

But then hey, what gives me solace is the fact that I can still take refuge in the ad-less world of cricket commentary. I can still relax in the familiar cliches of Ravi Shastri, the soul-deadening boredom of Arun Lal or the sweet Carribean twang of Ian Bishop. Right? Right?

No.

Robin Jackman cannot say “Success” any more. It has to be “Citi Moment of success
Ranjit Fernando cannot say “Six” any more. It is “DLF Super Six“.

Holy Arranged Matrimony! it’s now brand names embedded into commentary. So what else is possible now?

He gave it the Parryware Kitchen sink
He is an Aachi Masala seasoned campaigner
India are AUE Motoring along now.
He has smashed that past LIC Extra Cover
Gilette Razor edged, and taken
That was a Sri Krishna sweetly timed shot.

But it does open up interesting possibilities. For one, I would like our commentators to start getting cheeky and say things like

Ganguly’s batting has been Citi sub-prime. Wink wink.
Rahul’s technique is completely bug free. Must be all the Pepsi. Wink wink.

Update: If you also are suppressing an irresistable desire to strangle a certain pug with a sock, please sign this now.

68 responses to “The lack of any connection between Wok-fried Vegetable Goo and IPL T20 cricket”

  1. Arunk Avatar

    ah! First in line.

    Excellent – feel very similar about IPL. Your comparison was apt. Btw, you can also add the concept of “TV timeout” (where the game is sort of forcefully paused just to place ads). I actually think cricket is almost there. When the umpire asks for TV umpire/referee for a close decision,he makes a sign that can easily be taken for a “TV timeout”

  2. Chandoo Avatar

    wow… this is hilarious stuff.. πŸ™‚
    just cant stop laughing… holy hilarious matrimony..

  3. Spacejunk Avatar
    Spacejunk

    Hilarious …

  4. Destination Infinity Avatar

    You can only take the donkey to the river. You cannot make it drink.
    Same with IPL. Its here because organizers know people would drink. Somebody just had to take them to the water.

  5. Aditya Avatar

    Thala, pinniteenga! Raja Sen wrote an article for a similar purpose. And asked people to sign petition for scrapping those ads. Maybe you could attach this article along with it.

  6. Aditya Avatar

    On rediff that is^

  7. satts Avatar

    ROLF
    Ashok: Rolling on the Laughing Floor?

  8. Pranesh Srinivasan Avatar

    Gyadness πŸ™‚

    The way I love Krishashok πŸ˜€

  9. narendra shenoy Avatar

    Sharad Pawar and Lalit Modi are a devastated pair. Not just because of your post, though they are in the process of putting out the contract on everyone who dares disparage, but because they have just found out that there is a lot of betting happening out there and the BCCI AIN’T GETTIN NUTHIN’. They are waiting for someone, say the ICL guys, to do something about this so they can steal the idea. SOMEONE BETTER DO SOMETHIN REAL SOON!

  10. Rex Avatar

    I wish there was an adblocker for TV, like the one for Firefox. It should also auto-mute the soundtrack for ads. Though in this case we’ll probably get a blank screen for most of the time.

  11. TVK Avatar

    Awesome post…I was just thinking of writing a post about all these cliches by the commentators…..

    Aachi masala seasoned campaigner just sounds perfect if only uttered by Sivaramakrishnan…

  12. gireesh Avatar
    gireesh

    Just Too Good…A dig at T20,the krish ashok way i guess.and hey..Dont show that snapshot with all the ads of reebok ,TN government Etc to lalit modi.I am sure he will say he was thinking of that concept for the past 150 years and would implement it righaway as though it were his own.

    BTW::Inspite of all this nonsense surrounding the T20,I think it is the future.

  13. current Avatar

    i guess, the next business plan of ‘bcci’ would be to make itself a public traded company! if it does, ‘bcci’ would be one stock whose price will keep going up irrespective of the direction in which the sensex moves.

  14. asuph Avatar

    ROTFL..

    Citi suprime indeed!

    btw, did you check out your blog stats? your miss (india) timed reference to ganguly has cost you a complete bong blackout.

    cheers,
    asuph.

  15. Balamurugan Avatar

    Ever hrd Cricket commentary on radio. in Hindi of course. As if the ” dheemi gaind, gathi parivartan, atirikikt daud, androoni kinara ” and “behterin shot cover aur extra-cover fielders ko cheeeerta hua” were not enough, they introduced , “Aur Sehwag ke balle se yeh laga Dabur Lal Dant manjan Chauka” and “Bharat ko pehli safalta, Hayden ka Cibaka fresh Wicket mila Zaheer ko”. We used to have a great time mocking these and imagining how TV commentary , English i.e. would sound in its ADsavatar. And here it arrives.

  16. Logik Avatar

    “Not that I don’t enjoy T20. I do like Wok-fried vegetable goo once in a while.”….
    Me bows to that..

    You’ll never stop taking a dig at saravana, will you.. paapa chaps..

    @Balamurugan:- Dabur lal dant manjan:- LOL

  17. pinastro Avatar

    I wonder , how do you get time for all this…specially the graphical illustrations inspite of the Web 2.0 tribe you are leading.

    πŸ™‚

  18. pinastro Avatar

    the FYI from the Tamil Nadu government was awesome

  19. Ganesh KB Avatar

    Do you take class on how to write blogs? I’d so love to attend them! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜›

  20. Directhit Avatar
    Directhit

    nothing on the cheerleaders πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜‰ aah, they dance only during these Ads πŸ˜›

  21. Saurabh Das Avatar

    Wow, that’s a great article!

    (chanced upon it via Google Reader)

  22. shyam Avatar

    Hilarious… but bitingly bitter. And rightly so.

  23. Quakeboy Avatar

    Haiyoo Haiyooo…

    innum idhayam nallennai, anil semia ellam enga ?

  24. Ilayathalapathi Avatar
    Ilayathalapathi

    Good going. You should beat those north indians like Amit Varma and Greatbong in this years Desipundit awards and achieve Periyar’s dream.

    Nandri. Vanakkam.

    πŸ™‚

  25. rambodoc Avatar

    Great post, boss!
    In fact the pepsification of the commentary has already started, with the experts displaying the cans and talking about their thirst.
    I wonder if Kama Sutra condoms will get into the act. Think of Greg Chappell twiddling with one in his thumb while commenting! A truly protected moment for cricket that will be!

  26. Aiswarya Kurup Avatar

    Citi sub-prime. ha ha , hilarious

  27. Hari Avatar

    And that’s a splendid catch at fine leg (For a Fine walk use Baaataaaa shoes)
    A wonderful cover drive (For a veering experience, go for the Fiat Test Driveeeeeeee)
    A bashing square cut (Is your child having trouble with mathematics? Join Aandaal Tuitions)
    Utta ellathukkum namma aazhunga oru ad vechuduvaanga…. Ad’s are truly taking the spirit out of cricket now a days…. The next big deal in cricket that breaks T20 is going to be namma ooru pazhaya style “BOOK CRICKET” Every page has an ad… Makes life simple…. πŸ˜‰

  28. Dj Nav Avatar
    Dj Nav

    “Looking for bail” hahahah love that

  29. Teesu Avatar

    Ha ha loved your UPDATE. But I do not want to strangle the poor pug — his mug already looks strangled.

  30. K Avatar

    Great one Sir.

  31. i love lucy Avatar

    My grouse is the manner in which these so called “greats of cricket” leech at the cheerleaders and pass lewd comments.Especially a certain “gentleman” from the neighboring country.

  32. pinastro Avatar

    Also read interesting illustrations on the meaning behind Deccan charger’s team

    http://pinastro.wordpress.com/2008/04/24/20-20-sirf-saandon-se-nahi-jeeti-jati/

  33. kavitha Avatar
    kavitha

    oh this is so much fun!

    rofl@ seevalaperriBBQ . how do you come up with such names…cha chance illa. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

  34. girl-next-door Avatar

    have a nie day…robber baronia….abdominalia!???
    do u like have a team that works for you???

    one more awesome post! love the way you made sense to the no-connection title πŸ™‚
    Yes I do πŸ™‚ Inner Narada, who strives to, once in a while temper the pointless humour with subliminal messages. Id Ilangovan, whose sense of humour is usually base, nasty and offensive and Ego Ezhumalai who acts as a general censor of Id Ilangovan’s creations. Also, Copy Copalan, who is in charge of the google-search department for scouring the internet to steal ideas πŸ™‚

  35. harini calamur Avatar

    πŸ™‚
    been reading your blog for a longish time now…. great post….
    how do you miss the ads …. do what my dad does …switch the channel… πŸ™‚

  36. Ganesh KB Avatar

    The petition online link has an extra http πŸ˜‰

  37. Ankit Avatar

    Well, you havent mentioned the various other aspects of IPL.. And if football can do it.. So can cricket… Its all the part of the game..

  38. itzsanta Avatar
    itzsanta

    Killer illustration wit strategically placed ads!! u rock!

  39. Yagga Avatar
    Yagga

    Machan… really awesome… the ending really did it for me… i’m ready for my smoke now…

  40. vasuki Avatar
    vasuki

    Nice read. But i love the Chinese stuff and cola.

  41. mythalez Avatar

    when i came abroad .. i had to watch cricket matches on the sub-par streaming of sopcast and wished for watching them on our dear TV back home…

    now am so happy I watch cricket on sopcast where I can choose not setmax but some foreign broadcaster and hence not be smothered with all the ads πŸ˜›

  42. Lavanya Avatar
    Lavanya

    Nice work with the title and the pic. πŸ™‚

  43. maami Avatar

    Saar,
    We are the marketing reps from Naidu Hall and Sudarmani and Loverly Ladies jattigal companyss (we also do all kinds of school uniforms.)
    Our advertisements in the IPL have been rejected because some- some peoples are objecting to cheerleader lahdies dancing in skirts and some shirts-like cloths.
    Very much obliged if you can use your esteemed blog services for highlighting the neglect of our company products. (Ad rates include a year’s supply of underwear to the players, for proof ask Sreesanth who is irritable when he does not wear our materials).

  44. aandthirtyeights Avatar

    @maami
    does that explain why he is cryings last midnight?

  45. prats Avatar

    This was a great read..inspite of me holding my stomach from splitting…
    Loved your seasonings too :).
    IPL T20 seems to have given u all lots to whine, crib, rave and rant about ….see here
    http://emotionalecology.blogspot.com/2008/04/royals-skinned.html

  46. Karthik Avatar

    Awesome Blog, Great Read, Terrific Wit .. Much Appreciated ..
    Cheers ..

  47. […] This must rank as one of the worst crickets telecasts ever. As if listening to Kris Srikkanth speaking English is not bad enough, we had to listen to him attempting Hindi too, the other day. And less said about the hunger for ad breaks the better. Bloggers are having a field day day talking about it – the best one that I have come across is here. […]

  48. kavitha Avatar
    kavitha

    awesome!!! πŸ™‚

    Holy Arranged Matrimony…this one had me on the floor laughing…ahahaha

  49. Prasanth Avatar

    great post! Arasu legal services and Seevalapperi BarBq join a long list of luminaries including Loo Su Mani and Matter Mani.

    For info on the BCCI’s latest proposal try:
    http://thedailypheesh.blogspot.com/2008/04/bccis-new-proposal.html
    πŸ™‚

  50. Thoughts on IPL « Confessions of a Magnificent Mind Avatar

    […] ads. Or so I hear. I have watched, probably, 10 overs of IPL so far. I read about it here and here. Why is Sivamani there in the stadium adding to all the frenzy? I can understand if I see SRK in […]

  51. Vivek Avatar
    Vivek

    Really,those ads filling up the screens are such a nuisance,I feel like kicking them.

    Also the intrusion of ‘adwords’ into the commentary has made it look so artificial.This is a great post.You have written it in a very humorous manner.

  52. Aditya Avatar

    err, who sends those pingbacks^^^?? I would like to know!

  53. Ambika Avatar

    Enjoyed those visuals, KA, since soon we will not be able to see any of the cricket and only the ads! Abdominalia indeed.

    Unfortunately, I continue to watch it, despite the cribs and whines (as I’m sure many of you do too), and the IPL and BCCI are laughing all the way to their banks.

  54. Sumana Avatar

    “Citi moment of success”.. aaargh!!
    Brilliant post! πŸ˜€

  55. Hoges Avatar
    Hoges

    Very well put… I’ve been enjoying the cricket in the IPL, but the overpowering brand-naming is through the roof… The commentators especially are ruining the whole experience… good read

  56. Prasanna Avatar
    Prasanna

    excellent, i have been going through all your posts..
    menu 2.0, HMK n the ad cricket, too good..

  57. K.Ramachandran Avatar

    Brilliant :”ROLF
    Ashok: Rolling on the Laughing Floor?”

  58. prasad Avatar
    prasad

    Simply Awesome ….
    I came accross this article when i was trying to google WTF a ‘citi moment of sucess’ means !!!

    Now the commmentry is much similiar to the ones we used to [may be we still] get in the AM Radio channels ..
    [For those who understand hindi]
    Aur yeah laga shandar Dabur chawanprash chauka …….

  59. […] player nicknames? Like Swiss Beef Chuck Malinga? Or Samsung Split A/c Cool Gayle? Last year, I wrote about the annoying proliferation of ads in the telecast, but this year has seen a recession driven […]

  60. Down with that logo : rahul gaitonde dot org Avatar

    […] Also, what the sponsor-saturated IPL could become. […]

  61. Jayadev.J Avatar
    Jayadev.J

    How couldst thou forget to add ‘P James Magic Show 9841579310’ to the list of ads ??

  62. Sam Avatar
    Sam

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