Help. I am a Hypowebiac

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Dear Doctor,

Go get an X-Ray done

No no wait. First listen to me. I believe I am suffering from a new hitherto undiscovered syndrome.

Oh. Ok. Go get an MRI scan and a Feline Scan.

Can I at least describe my problem first?

Hmm. I’m not used to this sort of gross deviation from standard operating procedure. Ok. First promise me that that after you tell me your problem, you will go to Ssri Kaamalegshumi Scans in Pallavaram and get all your scans done. I don’t diagnose anything without them.

Ok. I promise. So here is my problem. I believe I’m suffering from Hypowebia

Eh?

It’s a troublesome mental condition that forces its victim too connect everything to the internet. At times it turns into a depression that comes from a constant state of regret that the availability of the internet earlier in human history could have changed the course of civilization. The disease consumes every bit my mental processing power (which is not exactly Core 2 Duo), as it uses several computation intensive algorithms to construct elaborate what-if fantasies involving crucial historical events and their hypothetical connection to the world wide web.

Go get all the scans done please.

No wait. Let me explain it to you. Have you head of Google Suggest?

Nopes.

Well, its a tool that presents search suggestions based on statistical analysis of others’ search patterns, such as the one shown below

Ah. I see. A Wisdom-of-Crowds view of America.

Oh yes. And very democratic. For instance,

So my mind is constantly thinking about how Google suggest could have had other interesting consequences. Perhaps religious people during Darwin’s time could have been persuaded to drop their foolish belief in

And perhaps Herr Adolf could have avoided disaster by trying this query

If the good Archduke had bothered to check Gavrilo Princip’s facebook profile on that fateful day, the world could have been spared World War 1

In fact it gets even worse. Some kid asked me what the Protestant Reformation was really about, and all I could think of was this:

Another kid asked me how the Mahabharatha was transmitted orally over the ages, and I said “The original guys subscribed to Vyasa’s podcast and recorded their own version of the podcast and reuploaded to iTunes. And so on. “

Another question was about how the original archaeological remains of Troy were found. And all I could say was that Schliemann conducted the excavation, but it was reported by diggers as being possibly inaccurate.

And what were my thoughts on Socrates’ speeches in the marketplace in Athens? “5 Insightful”

And why was Ulysses such a turning point in James Joyce’ literary career? That was when he moved from Blogspot to WordPress

And the sensitive question on the historical origin of the gender bias? The annoying American accented “You’ve got male”

I need help doc. I see the web everywhere.

Stop surfing for 2 weeks. And 1 tablet of The Hindu Daily morning for curing Insomnia. And don’t forget Ssri Kaamalegshumi Scans

31 responses to “Help. I am a Hypowebiac”

  1. Galadriel Avatar
    Galadriel

    Yayy, first to comment. Rotfl about ‘blogspot to wordpress’.

  2. maxdavinci Avatar

    this space never disappoints! Trying to read between the lines, are you taking a sabbatical by any chance?

    venda saare…..

  3. Prabhu Avatar

    Nice one. couple of 404 errors though.

  4. Pranesh Srinivasan Avatar

    I fear a future writers’ block?

  5. rads Avatar

    lol, good one. An exaggerated version of what we all go through eh? :p

    I prescribe MSS and Kutcheris in Mylapore too. πŸ™‚

  6. Aravind Kumar Avatar

    Hypowebia kkku super cure kuruvi legiyam. Did you get the kaama scans from pallavaram.Best Wishes for a speedy recovery.

  7. asuph Avatar

    :))
    5 Insightful it is!

    cheers,
    yet another hypowebiac (aren’t we all?)

  8. satts Avatar

    finally u have admitted to it πŸ˜‰

  9. dipali Avatar
    dipali

    Brillianto as always!

  10. Giridhar Avatar

    though told in a very light way, this is very true and everyone is becoming addicted to convergence on web.

  11. Spacejunk Avatar
    Spacejunk

    True…

    another Hypowebiac

  12. narendra shenoy Avatar

    Descartes would have said “I link therefore I am”

  13. narendra shenoy Avatar

    On a completely unrelated note, I remember a story in which RenΓ© Descartes was in a house of ill repute when the place was raided. All the ladies managed to flee, but RenΓ© was caught. It seems no one wanted to put Descartes before the whores.

  14. pinastro Avatar

    Nice one … HypoWebiac. Good Coinage of words.

    I think I too need to join the labs ASAP as I too suffering from the same symptoms πŸ™‚

    Below comments are hotchpotch alignment of the new Blog I am working on..

    Till now we have divided History as Pre-History(before anything was written), Ancient,Medieval and Modern

    (A) Pre-History — Nothing was written , only cave paintings
    (B) Ancient till Modern– Humans started to write down the events ….but only by the Winners.From Ancient to Modern era has been a journey from costly stationery to a cheap ones(Ollai Chudu Paper e-Book)

    Web 2.0 perhaps marks the Post Modern Era, a clear demarcation from the Modern Era…where History will also be written by the Losers along with the Winners.Hence, a clear picture of History now onwards.

    (A) Pre-Historic — Achievement was invention of Communcation itself;medium was very costly

    (B) Ancient — Acheivement was the making the communication perfect;medium was still costly

    (C) Medieval — Achievement was making the communication medium cheaper and accessible to everyone(Gutenberg)

    (D) Modern –Achievement was making endless ways and medium of communication cheaper(internet)

    (E) POST-MODERN (Web 2.0) — Challenge remains to provide the right conditions for the Wisdom of Crowds to be successful and NOT let it stray towards mediocracy.And also to acheive sanity out of NOISE generated by the Web 2.0 world. [ I personally feel the Noise Levels have increased in my work place due to JUST ASK at the same time feel very excited to become a Web 2.0 Engineer ].

    FOR DEMOCRACY :
    Also Web 2.0 is like a messiah for democracy making the implementation really possible.

    Hence,Web 2.0 have unleashed a new way of writing history and processing information (similar to those of the neural network in our brains).

    NEW STAGE IN HOMO SAPIEN’S EVOLUTION:
    Provided the right conditions,Web 2.0 is perhaps the key stage in human civilization where Human beings will really become SOCIAL.
    To go further , as u have hinted , great Wars , catastrophe etc can really be averted.We may not have any more Einsteins,Edisons.Human society might become a huge ANT-COLONY with each ANT having an ability to think indicidually, atleast AVERAGE ones.

    PAST IS NOT PAST:
    Apart from Regretting why Google did not exist during the Renaissance, there’s another thing to worry about …….about the authenticity of the History which was only written by the winners and also exaggeratively ( may be because of cost factor of material on which to be written).

    Many of the theories of authenticity of Epics like Mahabharata , Ramayana , Bible are being questioned………………

    If the Wisdom of Crowds is true , why not a social networking kind of site which provides the RIGHT CONDITIONS to arrive at the correct facts what might have REALLY happened in the stories which we cherish.

    Example: I am tracing back the original Ramayana…………which I am lacking the Right conditions ..if I am able to get that right conditions ……We can finally trace back the exact location,time,and events of Rama’s life.

    Do visit my blog:
    http://pinastro.wordpress.com/2008/04/16/the-great-ramayana-script-continues-to-inspirethis-time-hollywood/

  15. Hari Avatar

    “You’ve got Male” and “I link therefore I am” – Classic ones… :))

  16. pinastro Avatar

    spelling mistake “Have you head of GoogleSuggest”

    I think u meant “Have you heard of … “

  17. viswapraneet Avatar
    viswapraneet

    Hi,

    One Suggestion:

    You should probably call it “hyperwebiac” i.e. above normal web activity (Like hyperglycemia – high blood sugar)

    “Hypowebiac”: below normal web activity (probably someone like myself)

    …or probably I got your post wrong..??

  18. kavitha Avatar
    kavitha

    rofl@gavvy fb profile.

    is the treatment working? πŸ˜€

  19. Madhavan Avatar

    Very nice, macchaan. Had recommended your site on my facebook tagline today, and happy to note my maanam and mariyadai have been saved. One grouch is that too much of M. Bashai and argot leaves me that much less helpless in recommending you to my indikkara and vellaikkara friends.

  20. Nikhil Narayanan Avatar

    I am not there but reaching there. Have been successful in getting onto the chronic state.
    There have been times when I could hear Yahoo! IM ping during my sleep. Was cured later.

    πŸ˜‰

  21. cognto orgasm Avatar

    LMAO,totally! ! ! This is one of the many things which i wanted ta write bout but like always,tooo lazy. . .
    sooperappu!

  22. cognito orgasm Avatar

    This is jes ta put the ‘i’ in ma dispaly name. . .neway,Mr.Ashok,Im a big fan of ur blog. . πŸ™‚

  23. Archana Avatar
    Archana

    I’m guessing it should be ‘hyper’webiac. Hypo is usually used for ‘below normal’ conditions.

    Fun post as always.

  24. current Avatar

    interesting read.

    symptom of hypowebiac (you must trade mark this!) is very much visible in my room mate. he was suggesting google search to locate stuff in the kitchen.

  25. Jaya Avatar

    Hi Ashok….bumped into your blog by chance and it is just fantastic. Myself and Amit thourughly enjoyed reading it and in your words…we had gajabuja fun :), especially the post on ‘sodha akbar’…..we will be giving regular visits to your blog.Keep posting
    Ashok: Thank you πŸ™‚

  26. SK Avatar

    Heheh this one was fun! Too much internet is not good for health.

  27. Chenoa Avatar
    Chenoa

    Wohahaha – this is hilarious!! Feeling the Slacker-on-web-itis and ROFL-ing at work.
    Oh crap, Supervisor incoming!

  28. Skan Avatar
    Skan

    You never fail to slay me. Totally hilarious and spot-on, mate!

  29. Shaleel Avatar
    Shaleel

    Are you the Art Buchwald of India?

  30. Nomi Avatar
    Nomi

    Love it πŸ™‚

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