Help. I am a Hypowebiac

Dear Doctor,

Go get an X-Ray done

No no wait. First listen to me. I believe I am suffering from a new hitherto undiscovered syndrome.

Oh. Ok. Go get an MRI scan and a Feline Scan.

Can I at least describe my problem first?

Hmm. I’m not used to this sort of gross deviation from standard operating procedure. Ok. First promise me that that after you tell me your problem, you will go to Ssri Kaamalegshumi Scans in Pallavaram and get all your scans done. I don’t diagnose anything without them.

Ok. I promise. So here is my problem. I believe I’m suffering from Hypowebia

Eh?

It’s a troublesome mental condition that forces its victim too connect everything to the internet. At times it turns into a depression that comes from a constant state of regret that the availability of the internet earlier in human history could have changed the course of civilization. The disease consumes every bit my mental processing power (which is not exactly Core 2 Duo), as it uses several computation intensive algorithms to construct elaborate what-if fantasies involving crucial historical events and their hypothetical connection to the world wide web.

Go get all the scans done please.

No wait. Let me explain it to you. Have you head of Google Suggest?

Nopes.

Well, its a tool that presents search suggestions based on statistical analysis of others’ search patterns, such as the one shown below

Ah. I see. A Wisdom-of-Crowds view of America.

Oh yes. And very democratic. For instance,

So my mind is constantly thinking about how Google suggest could have had other interesting consequences. Perhaps religious people during Darwin’s time could have been persuaded to drop their foolish belief in

And perhaps Herr Adolf could have avoided disaster by trying this query

If the good Archduke had bothered to check Gavrilo Princip’s facebook profile on that fateful day, the world could have been spared World War 1

In fact it gets even worse. Some kid asked me what the Protestant Reformation was really about, and all I could think of was this:

Another kid asked me how the Mahabharatha was transmitted orally over the ages, and I said “The original guys subscribed to Vyasa’s podcast and recorded their own version of the podcast and reuploaded to iTunes. And so on. “

Another question was about how the original archaeological remains of Troy were found. And all I could say was that Schliemann conducted the excavation, but it was reported by diggers as being possibly inaccurate.

And what were my thoughts on Socrates’ speeches in the marketplace in Athens? “5 Insightful”

And why was Ulysses such a turning point in James Joyce’ literary career? That was when he moved from Blogspot to WordPress

And the sensitive question on the historical origin of the gender bias? The annoying American accented “You’ve got male”

I need help doc. I see the web everywhere.

Stop surfing for 2 weeks. And 1 tablet of The Hindu Daily morning for curing Insomnia. And don’t forget Ssri Kaamalegshumi Scans