The Dummies’ Guide to the US Elections

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It’s well into 2008 and another US election is around the corner, and therefore, like any other dutiful blog in the blogosphere, it is my duty to comment on it despite the fact that I neither have the knowledge nor the perspective to comment. And therefore, that makes me perfectly qualified to author the “Dummies’ guide to the US elections”.

(Thanks Chittaranjan)

American elections are important to the world because we never know where they are going to drop bombs next, and a close analysis of media chatter is necessary to figure out if one’s country is in some sort of “axis of evil”. So let’s get right down to the key issues at stake, shall we?

All US elections are fundamentally about left vs right. The Democrats are Left (usually licking their wounds), and the Republicans are Right (in the thick of stealing elections). The Democrats believe that it’s right that the rest of the world is best left alone. The Republicans believe that they have the right to invade what’s left of the world.

In the interest of brevity, for the rest of the post, the Democrats shall be referred to as Ds (as in Docile Donkeys), and the Republicans shall be referred to Rs (as in Rogue Elephants).

The Ds want to kill babies. The Rs prefer to kill women. Ds are anti-business and the Rs are anti-worker. Ds talk about securing jobs while outsourcing the manufacturing of “Obama-Biden” bumper stickers to China. Rs talk about securing America while outsourcing the torture of prisoners to other countries. Ds believe that gay marriages between man and animal are OK. Rs believe that not-so-gay marriages between priests and young boys are OK. Ds don’t believe in family values. Rs believe strongly in family values such as the sanctity of marriage and abstention, as long as one is not a former prisoner of war or a 20-month old Alaskan governor.

Ds are best described as a pluralized slang term for cats lacking patriotism while Rs are best described as people with scarlet shading in the neck area indulging in ugly jingoism. Ds believe in bombing the hell out of places where there is a faint suspicion of the presence of a man named OBL. Rs believe in bombing the hell out of places where there is a whiff of this thing called OIL. Ds are like remixed dubchick Bob Dylan music. Rs are like country music. Ds prefer to save polar bears while making America energy starved. Rs will run their extra large SUVs on the fat of polar bears, if necessary. Ds are out-of-touch elites. Rs are rich old white people.

Ds want to take hard earned money from rich people and distribute it to poor, unproductive people. Rs want tax cuts for the rich and build gulags for factory workers. Ds are French. Rs have so many balls that it impedes their movement. Ds follow racist black priests. Rs are generally racist.

Ds have blogs. Rs have Fox news. Ds believe that the media has a conservative bias. Rs believe that it’s an evil liberal media out there. In reality, the US media, like any other, has a monetary bias.

Thank you.

50 responses to “The Dummies’ Guide to the US Elections”

  1. Chittaranjan Avatar

    You might want to use this image: :mrgreen:

    Hilarious, as usual! BTW, isn’t there a third-front or even a left party in the US?

  2. Deepak Avatar

    Good that there is no Communist Party of America!
    Ashok: There is actually 🙂

  3. harini Avatar

    psst psst …u watched the debate a ?

  4. Dinesh Babu Avatar

    Ds are not left by being left. Since Rs are more “right”er than Ds, D became left in the eyes of those who think “God speaks through R’s Leader”.

    What sort of an election guide post is this, if it doesn’t have any mention of Sarah Palin and Bikini and her glasses!

  5. Vibushan Avatar

    Awesome post! I’m New to blogging. Loved it. Very very true and ultra humorous.

  6. Huzefa Avatar

    This guy OBL is a minor character with the exact initials in Mohammed Hanif’s novel, A Case of Exploding Mangoes.

  7. maxdavinci Avatar

    reminds me of a similar story i read on the desi situation…

  8. RukmaniRam Avatar

    more like a guide to the two main US political parties, no?

    No fledgeling Palin or elistist Obama bashing eh?

  9. scudie Avatar

    i dont think i have a ever reada crossword embedded in a paragraph before!


  10. sangu Avatar

    wow.. the whole thing sounds almost like tamil nadu elections dummies’ guide.. substitute Rs with ADs and rednecks with dravidians and black candidate with brahmin candidate and fox news with jaya and so on…

    would like to quote chris rock here (not that i respect his words, just that i agree with him here):-
    “republicans are idiots. democrats are idiots. in other words, anyone who makes up their minds before they hit an issue is a f’in idiot.”
    (was actually surprised to see chris rock throwing his weight behind obama so vehemently though he does claim it is primarily because “obama is a respectable looking nigger”. his latest standup is fully loaded with political messages.)

  11. neon Avatar

    This was brilliant! One of the best posts I’ve ever read…

  12. girl-next-door Avatar

    I read and read again to see if I missed your take on Sarah Palin…
    Other than that – Amen!

  13. Nagster Avatar

    Brilliante !

  14. Arvind Subramanian Avatar

    Not much of your characteristic humour in this post..
    Do Check out “Time for campaignin” in youtube

  15. Shreevatsa Avatar

    The famous video (even seen on the ISS) from 2004 is still mostly valid:
    This Land!

  16. amit_123 Avatar

    Good one brother. BTW, who is more interested in India?

  17. Manish Krishnan Avatar

    “Ds are best described as a pluralized slang term for cats lacking patriotism”
    So is the non euphemised version supposed to be unpatriotic pussies?? So Donkeys are Cats…
    In other words.. Asses are Pussies. …. hmm.. interesting!
    N Btw OBL and OIL is a killer !

  18. Hariharan Sriram Avatar

    What about the title “the Ps and Qs of the Rs and Ds.” Nice bit of R & D from your side too. And funny as usual.

  19. maami Avatar

    OhBamaBamaBamaBama mamamiya!
    Oh Sunday, Monday, Tuesday yezhu naalum nee freeya?
    -To be sung to the tune of Minnale song by Vivek

  20. Umm Oviya Avatar

    Ds kicked out a badly dressed, well qualified woman.
    Rs nominated a well dressed, badly qualified woman!

  21. Anish Avatar

    The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too. – Oscar Levant

    Did you knw? :-B

    @maami – you missed an important word in the lyrics. It’s KUTTI nee freeya. I’m not a purist or a stickler for perfection, but the kutti adds to the essence of that song!

  22. Balaji Avatar

    Good one. Look forward to your blog on “namma ooru” election…how about Vadivelu and Vijaykanth pitched against each other ?

  23. R Balamurugan Avatar

    btw, whom are the ‘amit_123@amreeka’s sporting ???

  24. sthitapragnya Avatar

    Common goal of both Ds and Rs – Suppress the left leaning, socialist independent parties in America.

    Hail American Democracy!

  25. K Avatar

    Its atleast good for them that there are only two “strong” left and right rather than us … “stronger left powered by down but upposed by up”, “lesser stronger right powered by up and few ppl in down”, “More stronger center which is powered by all the edges but not center” showing up their power on “all weaker junta”

  26. Nikhil Narayanan Avatar

    Serious doubt 😉
    Why don’t they have factions and chinna-parties like Democrats(Obama) or Reps(Sarah) ?
    How can they be so united ? Shouldn’t they be learning from India?

  27. Nash Avatar

    Wonder what will come out of your Macbook Pro come 2009 Indian General Elections…I can hardly wait 😀

  28. Ramanan Avatar

    It does not make a lick of a difference to anyone as long as one more neo-con does not occupy power.

  29. Anu Avatar

    D’s think they can get R’s votes by nominating a white old guy as VP, who looks like R’s presidential candidate. R thinks they can get D’s votes by nominating a woman as VP, who is the same sex as D’s presidential nominee

  30. Whacky Avatar

    Its damn funny and would have been easy this time around. But when it comes to the Indian elections it would be a mess for sure just for the sheer amount of political parties 😛

  31. Arivu-Nidhi Avatar

    Praising our Maa-Anbumigu Mudhalvar Daaktar Kalaignar Avargal…

  32. Kavitha Avatar

    Rofl@cat licking patriotism and the Rs family values.LOL @maamis comment.:-)

    Few have missed out the Alaskan governor-palin dig.:-D

  33. Arunk Avatar

    excellente 🙂 !


  34. SambarRice Avatar

    Today’s sambar had murungakai!. Nice.

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    […] The Dummies’ Guide to the US Elections It’s well into 2008 and another US election is around the corner, and therefore, like any other dutiful blog in the […] […]

  36. mansie Avatar

    that helped me for sure… hilarious!

  37. amit_123 Avatar

    amit_123 prefers R’s as an Indian is part of R party. jindal his name is.

  38. R Balamurugan Avatar

    Oh…Jindal’s an Indian…
    holds an Indian Passport, voter ID etc ???
    or just the Indian Sounding Surname..??

  39. Ajit Avatar

    Another point:
    Democrats are against offshoring and Republicans believe in the “Free Market” (What ever that means)!!!

  40. buddy Avatar

    everyone just loves palin!

  41. Harsha Raghavan Avatar

    you reahhhly need to stick with your regular and extremely hilarious style. This post was so yawn!

  42. Sachin Avatar

    you reahhhly need to stick with your regular and extremely hilarious style.

    ^^ And this post was any different? How?

    Krish, you’re a genius.

  43. San Avatar

    oh well, looks like we’re going to have to dot our Ds and cross our Rs from now on.

    excellent post.

  44. susmitha Avatar

    awsme!!!nala vela namba indian politics madri dey dnt confuse ppl with so many party names…

    bdw heard ur compositions…i slept fr a long tym..perfect lullaby..jus was good..

  45. precious Avatar

    should i thank u 4 takin tuitions..??
    only aftr reading dis i actually understud wat republicans & democrats are..!!

  46. Saad Akhtar Avatar

    I’m so excited about the elections. Also excited because after this we’ll have regular news on Digg and Reddit. Just like old times…

  47. bala Avatar

    Summed up very nicely and for good measure of eternity 😛

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