The Dummies’ Guide to the US Elections

It’s well into 2008 and another US election is around the corner, and therefore, like any other dutiful blog in the blogosphere, it is my duty to comment on it despite the fact that I neither have the knowledge nor the perspective to comment. And therefore, that makes me perfectly qualified to author the “Dummies’ guide to the US elections”.

(Thanks Chittaranjan)

American elections are important to the world because we never know where they are going to drop bombs next, and a close analysis of media chatter is necessary to figure out if one’s country is in some sort of “axis of evil”. So let’s get right down to the key issues at stake, shall we?

All US elections are fundamentally about left vs right. The Democrats are Left (usually licking their wounds), and the Republicans are Right (in the thick of stealing elections). The Democrats believe that it’s right that the rest of the world is best left alone. The Republicans believe that they have the right to invade what’s left of the world.

In the interest of brevity, for the rest of the post, the Democrats shall be referred to as Ds (as in Docile Donkeys), and the Republicans shall be referred to Rs (as in Rogue Elephants).

The Ds want to kill babies. The Rs prefer to kill women. Ds are anti-business and the Rs are anti-worker. Ds talk about securing jobs while outsourcing the manufacturing of “Obama-Biden” bumper stickers to China. Rs talk about securing America while outsourcing the torture of prisoners to other countries. Ds believe that gay marriages between man and animal are OK. Rs believe that not-so-gay marriages between priests and young boys are OK. Ds don’t believe in family values. Rs believe strongly in family values such as the sanctity of marriage and abstention, as long as one is not a former prisoner of war or a 20-month old Alaskan governor.

Ds are best described as a pluralized slang term for cats lacking patriotism while Rs are best described as people with scarlet shading in the neck area indulging in ugly jingoism. Ds believe in bombing the hell out of places where there is a faint suspicion of the presence of a man named OBL. Rs believe in bombing the hell out of places where there is a whiff of this thing called OIL. Ds are like remixed dubchick Bob Dylan music. Rs are like country music. Ds prefer to save polar bears while making America energy starved. Rs will run their extra large SUVs on the fat of polar bears, if necessary. Ds are out-of-touch elites. Rs are rich old white people.

Ds want to take hard earned money from rich people and distribute it to poor, unproductive people. Rs want tax cuts for the rich and build gulags for factory workers. Ds are French. Rs have so many balls that it impedes their movement. Ds follow racist black priests. Rs are generally racist.

Ds have blogs. Rs have Fox news. Ds believe that the media has a conservative bias. Rs believe that it’s an evil liberal media out there. In reality, the US media, like any other, has a monetary bias.

Thank you.