Fake Fake IPL Player Blog post

As I was Titan watching the DLF IPL, It Ford Pickup struck me as CBS Dan Rather unfortunate that Bharti Indian cricket commentary had Parryware Kitchen sunk to Aavin appalling depths where commentators have to Anchor plug brand names into every sentence they Pillsbury utter. MDH Masala seasoned campaigners like MTR Ravi Dosa Shastri are now tongue Park Avenue tied as their regular cliches need to be Escorts Hospital surgically inserted with ads.

“We are in for a Parle cracker of a WIMCO match”, practices Ravi. “That Arun Ball icecream was four from the Dairy Milk moment it left the BDM bat. It has gone the BSNL long distance. Gilette Razor edged, and taken. This match, one feels, will go down to the Havell’s wire”

What next? Branded player nicknames? Like Swiss Beef Chuck Malinga? Or Samsung Split A/c Cool Gayle? Last year, I wrote about the annoying proliferation of ads in the telecast, but this year has seen a recession driven paranoia towards squeezing money out of every pore, so apart from “commentading”, we now have “Strategy Timeouts”. Legend has it that the marketing maven who proposed this idea called it, in a rare moment of candour, “7.5 more minutes of adjaculation”, but was unfortunately overruled. The same genius must have also come up with the idea of in-game player interviews with the “Logo Biriyani” backdrops. I am told that the IPL invested heavily in some Limelite Salon cutting Gilette Razor edge research on technology that would have enabled the logos in the backdrop to light up and get animated when the interviewer or interviewee mentions keywords of interest to a particular advertiser (called AdNonSense technology). So when Robin Jackman asks Anil Kumble about the “resurgence” of “spin”, perhaps the BJP’s “LK Advani for PM” ad could light up, do a little dance and then give way to the Durex logo as it activates itself when Kumble utters the word “performance”. The possibilities are endless. But apparently the technology wasn’t ready for prime time yet. So I am looking forward to it next year.

But I sometimes fear what will happen when Homo Sapiens evolves the ability to tune out ads, TiVo style. What will advertisers do then? I know. They will make us “GoBuy Manchurian Candidates”. Kids will be primed and conditioned from kindergarten to respond to specific brand name keywords. So during the “Strategy Timeouts”, advertisers will unleash magic words, like “Phosphoric Acid”, which for instance, will cause all of us to stand up and walk like zombies to the nearest store and buy a 4-litre Pepsi.

Don’t mistake me. I enjoy the IPL. Men enjoy masturbation once in a while. While I often crave for the classiness of a romantic, candle-lit test match, the pleasure of listening to legendary ex-cricketer commentators announcing with breathless excitement, the first DLF Maximum in any game with the fervour of a teenager at a Nickelback concert screaming at each one of their ridiculously homogenous songs copy-paste jobs, is too much to resist.

And last but not the least, on April 18th, the day when the DLF IPL started, I was wondering about the artificiality of it all. In fact, “Fake IPL” sounded like a nice moniker for this annual gajabujalsa of masala cricket. So I thought that starting a “fake” blog might be a good idea. Yes, the “Fake Fake IPL Player Blog”. But then it was too easy. Making fun of a celebrity driven, short-staffed, dysfunctional team with multiple captains and a poor playing record is no different from making fun of a handicapped kid trying to sing opera at the school annual day. It’s failure voyeurism. But us desis enjoy nothing more than a fictional anonymous insider tv-soap-style-badmouthing the big bad institution that’s muzzling his talent. Korbo, Lorbo, Whinebo. Blog on this, as they say.

By the way, the Chennai Super Kings also have an insider blog.

I felt a little nostalgic a few days back and watched Michael Holding torment Geoffrey Boycott

Or Viv toying with the bowler

I cant help feeling that compared to that, the IPL is, to paraphrase their own brand name infested catchphrase, a shitty moment of epic fail

74 Comments

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  1. ah. finally. someone, more so, a *man* takes out the ipl. maybe this will signal the beginning of the end of the collective orgasm that the cricket crazy community has had. about a soap opera that seems to have as much to do with cricket as soap operas have to do with soap. or operas.

  2. LOL!

    An Amul ball for right from the start!
    “Phosphoric acid” hypnotic word to go buy 4-litre pepsi?
    (Effect just about the same)
    😀

  3. Hi Krish,
    Think you are jealous of the fake ipl player and the fact that his blog has more followers than yours in a short period of time!!

    Anyway, I think your blog is much better! Like you said, making fun of KKR is almost too easy, not even a challenge.

  4. Wonderful! The number of endorsements in IPL is almost comparable to the number of ridiculous quizzes up on facebook. At this rate, the commentators would begin using over half of the brand names you’ve listed in no time!

  5. i have been following the IPL only on cricinfo and missing out on all the ad-itional side items 😦
    what an over from michael holding – hadn’t seen this one before. whispering death na summaavaa?

  6. cool down, get a limca/pepsi/sprite/maaza/fanta/appy/its all different 😦

    it could be worse, there could be a K-soap running between the ads

    Too good, especially the “logo biriyani” 😀

  7. Ohmigosh! You have ‘DLF-ed’ it….

    And I find it ridiculous that Pommie has to rub his hand over the grass to check for the dew! He can do it very well on his mop of hair 🙄

    IMO, Bhogle is the only one steadfastly unwilling to get sucked into this mediocrity forced upon us in the name of commentary.

    P.S: My laughter is being labeled as the ‘Krish-y moment of madness’ by friends 😆

  8. Something (read Vidya Mandir APTECH COMPUTER education) tells me you RANA TOR might have written the sennaisuperkinks blog. Or Anirudha Srikkanth :).
    All said, IPL is BARNEY awesome. At least for jobless NOKIA CONNECTING people/ ppl THE who need to VISA GO get IT a life.
    But as I-PILL expected the commentary, umpiring and fielding is very much DLF IPL standard ELECTRIC.

  9. I am so glad that I did not fall into the IPL mania yet. I stopped watching cricket after 2003 world cup.

    I still cherish the good old cricket, of course I still have watched the DD-swallowing-the-last-ball-in-a-over cricket.

    1. Should display now. No idea why the option suddenly turned itself off. Sort of like how IE surreptitiously sets itself as the default browser without asking

  10. Ok, Now this is the unbranded version of your first 2 paras. Now let me go to post and read the remaining.

    As I was watching the IPL, It struck me as unfortunate that Indian cricket commentary had sunk to appalling depths where commentators have to Anchor plug brand names into every sentence they utter. seasoned campaigners like Ravi Shastri are now tongue tied as their regular cliches need to be surgically inserted with ads.

    “We are in for a cracker of a match”, practices Ravi. “That Ball was four from the moment it left the bat. It has gone the long distance. edged, and taken. This match, one feels, will go down to the wire”

  11. That’s the DLF maximum.. After reading the first couldn’t resist my self laughing out loud..

  12. Well from the inception itself, the IPL was always more about the business angle to T20 cricket than the ‘cricket’ itself. I mean, come to think of it, how much ‘cricket’ can one actually expect over the course of 40 overs, most of which are anyways tilted crazily in favor of the big hitters.

    At least this year, because of the pitches, we see some early wickets fall due to good swing bowlers. I hate to imagine what the situation would ve been if IPL II had been held in India.

    Getting back to the point, Lalit Modi is being called a genius and a brainchild because he managed to get more and more sponsorships, companies, film starts, glamor quotient into the Gentleman’s Game and make it a Mental Man’s Game now. So I am sure that he has already probably laughed all the way to bank and will continue to do so until gullible people like you and me sit glued to the TV watching all these damn ads.

    And it’s the inherent nature of the game, where we have a 2 min break between overs, between wickets, between sixes, that makes it such an ad friendly game. Maybe some thoughts on that ??

    Cheers………Jam

    1. 🙂 remba LOLlu!

      At this rate, we could soon see each delivery being sponsored by some company – a new model where each company gets its moment under the sun. The commentators can shut up about how it’s gonna be a “cracker of a match” and devote all their time to extolling the virtues of the company and/or its products (additional fees/levies/surcharge/GST apply). Just imagine the possibilities!

  13. ROFLMAO

    btw…. Coke in the dock a long time ago for trying subliminal Ads within Stores. A low frequency sound, much like whisper would be played in the store promoting the brand..

    and regarding the trigger word phonomenon , I hope we dont end up acting like the gracious Lady in Serenity

  14. ishlightly methinks CSK ‘insider blog’ is your own jilpansa.

    “(Dei, we are 10 and we need a fieldsman at deep fine leg), and I am a slow-medium pace batsman and a right-handed bowler who could, for most part, manage to deliver the red cherry 22 yards…”

    “In fact, I describe myself as a “Slow, medium pace batsman”. Since I don’t get much play time, …”

    yenyways, hilarious first two paras! salut.

    1. It is not unknown in the blogosphere to anumalikify the occasional phrase from each other (and without attribution, to boot!). I received this as an email forward from a rather anonymous looking ID.

  15. “What next?”

    Why leave out The umpires…Hand them placards with the sponsors name written…
    Dreadful..???
    I sincerely hope that Lalit Modi doesn’t read this…

  16. So when Robin Jackman asks Anil Kumble about the “resurgence” of “spin”, perhaps the BJP’s “LK Advani for PM” ad could light up, do a little dance and then give way to the Durex logo as it activates itself when Kumble utters the word “performance”

    Take a bow Krish! Take a bow!

  17. Hilarity ensues. Great post all round.

    I cringe whenever I hear the word “DLF Maximum” uttered by Danny Morrison though. For some reason, his voice annoys me whenever he mouths these brand names.

    Again Rameez Raja and His Holiness, the GodFather of Sri Lankan cricket, Ranjeet Fernando struggle with their “set phrases”. 😀

  18. I wonder if there would be a product similar to ad-block for Television, that will tune-out the ads for us..

    long live ab+

  19. In the beginning I used to wonder why the commentators were referring to
    various minor achievements as “another silly moment of success”.

    Ironic that they are trying to associate a company that has pretty much wiped out its net-worth & is surviving on taxpayers handouts with the word “success” .

  20. Hey krish FIP writes really funny the insider blog of CSK is not as quite as good.

    U must be a marketing strategist to Modi, what a way to commercialse cricket hehehhe.

    i am really pissed when the comms say city moment of sucess and DLF maximum errrrrrrr.

  21. LOL!
    You know wat you should do? You should become a scriptwriter for a sitcom or better run your own sitcom! (And I am sure you understand I don’t mean anything in the ilk of our “MEGA SERIALS”)

  22. The first brand association I remember started with namma ooru *Pepsi Uma*

    Can never count the number of Thursday evenings I waited for Sun TV to play a song in between hyperenthusiastic people yelling “Hello, yaaru? Pepsi Uma-a? Aiyyo unga number-ku na rendu varushama try pannarenga”

  23. how are these nick names
    * M.S dhoni = Aircel Phoni
    * Aila Tendular = Idea Tendulkar
    * Malinga = Sakhti mangalinga
    * Symonds = King’Fisher’ Symonds
    * Bret lee = Milka Bread Lee
    * Harbhajan = Havellswire Singh
    * Yuvraj Singh = Nivaran 90 cutting Singh

  24. I have to admit, I was totally perplexed for the first match the commentator kept screaming DLF maximum. Only then did I realise what it stood for. Bledy people.
    Parle Cracker of a post!! Thorougly enjoyed reading it..

  25. fun piece of work… been trying to finish A post of urs and i did! nice work this one! not that you need a 50th comment saying that!

  26. Keep on blogging! its getting through the tough times that make you stronger and then the good times will follow, keep writing about your experiences and we should all pull together…

  27. Bonjour et bravo pour ce que vous faites. Je dois dire que je ne regrette en rien de m’être abonné à votre weblog. A bientôt.

  28. Stick by your team through thick and thin, despite the wins and losses.
    Gene Wojciechowski’s ode to college football is a great read.
    Ole Miss and Mississippi State moving the Egg Bowl away from Jackson, Miss.

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